Musical Janto
by blackromanceangel274
Summary: This is what happens when I read fanfic and listen to music... I start putting the characters into the songs. These are a few songs that remind me of Jack/Ianto. Other pairings will be mentioned in the chapter and so will any warnings that you should take into consideration. Enjoy and feel free to suggest a song that you think fits Janto and I'll give it a go.
1. Lucy

Musical Janto:

**Song – Lucy**

**Artist – Skillet**

**Number - One**

**Warning – Character death. **

**Summery – A year after Ianto's funeral Gwen manages to drag Jack to his grave, where Jack manages to say all the things he has wanted to say for a long time. **

**Other pairings – Mild Gwen/Rhys and Gwen/Jack friendship.**

Jack stood looking down at the grave. In his hands were some roses. He brought them like it they were going to fix everything. Make up for all the loss. Make up for the fact that Ianto died in Jacks arms. Standing behind Jack was Gwen and Rhys. Rhys was holding Anwen on one side and holding Gwen's hand with his free one. They were standing a little bit away from Jack, giving him space. They were watching him. The funeral was a year ago now and Jack hadn't been to visit Ianto since that day. Getting him to attend had been a mission on its own. But when Gwen has her mind set on something, there is no swaying her and she had a way with words. Eventually Jack complied and attended. He introduced himself to Ianto's family.

_Jack: I'm Captain Jack Harkness, Ianto's boyfriend and also, his boss. This is Gwen Williams, our co-worker and her husband, Rhys.  
>Rhiannon: So, you're Jack, are you? Ianto told me all about you. He must have loved you a lot.<br>Jack: He did.  
>Ianto's mum: And did you love him?<br>Jack: Yes, Mrs Jones, I did._

Gwen had been shocked, not only that Jack had introduced himself as 'Ianto's boyfriend' but also admitted to loving him. Whenever the relationship was brought up both Jack and Ianto avoided the conversation. The fact that Ianto and Jack had a thing was never really a secret. When they all found out they were a bit shocked but after thinking about it, it was obvious and they couldn't believe they'd missed the signs. They were a little dismissive of questions, keeping it a little secretive. It was no surprise really that Owen thought it was just a part-time thing. They watched as Jack crouched down and placed the flowers so carefully on Ianto's grave that anyone would have thought Ianto would come back from the dead and complain if they were placed down any other way. Jack stayed low on the ground for quite sometimes, looking down at the flowers.  
>"Hi, Ianto" he said softly.<br>It was quiet, so quiet but the two adults heard him.  
>"We should give him some privacy" Rhys suggested, pulling on Gwen's hand as a gesture to go back to the car and wait.<br>"Yeah" Gwen agreed, though she didn't want to leave Jack alone. She looked over her shoulder before she continued walking away. "Goodbye, Ianto" she gave a sad smile before turning back and following after Rhys.

Jack stood up and traced the name written on the cold grey stone before he actually read what it said.

Ianto Jones,  
>19 August 1983-2009<br>Beloved Son and Brother  
>Gorffwys Yn Heddwch<br>R.I.P

_Jack: And you are?  
>Ianto: Jones, Ianto Jones.<br>Jack: Nice to meet you, Jones Ianto Jones. Captain Jack Harkness. _

Jones, Ianto Jones.  
>If that was Ianto's James Bond impression, Jack had to admit he was impressed. He closed his eyes briefly, to imagine the moment he was thinking of. Living in it. Remembering everything. The way Ianto looked, the way he spoke, what he was wearing, how he was feeling, what he could smell, see, hear, touch and every other sense he had. It was dark, half moon, late, there was a weevil on top of him and Ianto hit him with a plank of wood and Jack managed to take him down. They shoock hands and Jack took the weevil away.<br>_"By the way, love the coat" _Ianto's voice was so clear, so loud that it was like he was there. Beside Jack and it made him open his eyes.  
><em>"I really like that coat" <em>Ianto's voice echoed in his head again. That's what Ianto had said on their second meeting. God, that was a good cup of coffee.  
><em>"Like the suit by the way" <em>Jack had said at the end of their third meeting. After giving him a job and laying underneath him for two minutes resisting the urge to lean upwards and kiss those perfectly formed lips. He had been rather stubborn at that moment and said he would only kiss him if Ianto made the first move. Ianto didn't. Ianto just got up and left.

"What would have changed?" Jack whispered, more to himself that to the memory of Ianto. "If I'd of kissed you or you'd have kissed me, what would have changed?"  
>The Doctor often said that everything effects everything. One little stone out of place and the past could be rewritten. The thing was, Jack didn't want to go back to the day they met and risk not meeting him at all. He didn't want to go back to the day Ianto died. The last thing he wanted to see Iatno die again, if he failed to rewrite hisotry. He didn't want to go back to the day Lisa was exposed and changed the way he'd treated Ianto. He wanted to go back to the days after his return from 'The Year That Never Was'. Redo that first date, let Ianto know how sorry he was that he left so quickly, how much he'd missed him, how he'd realized he couldn't live without him. He didn't have a choice, he had to live without Ianto but this wasn't really living. Waddeling around the house and avoiding sleep, avoiding emotions. Both for the same reason. Only pain waited for him if he gave in to either of them. But The Doctor refused to let Jack go back and try to change things. He wouldn't even let Jack go back and see him because he didn't trust Jack not to try and fix things.<p>

Jack closed his eyes again. Memories he didn't want to remember were creeping into his mind.

_Jack: We've gotta get you out of here. I can survive anything but you can't!  
>Ianto: Too late. I breathed the air.<br>Jack: There's gotta be something, an antidote? Then I take it all back, all right? I take it all back but not him! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ianto!_

Even with his eyes open the images just flashed into his mind and he was forced to relive them, no matter how much he tried to fight it he couldn't. Almost like being near Ianto was stirring something. He suddenly felt tired and drained. Like sleeping. Ianto always had that effect on him. Ianto always had been able to break his walls and draw out emotions and drain all his energy, making him tired and sometimes he'd actually sleep. Looks like, even in his death, Ianto still had that effect on the older man.  
>"It's your birthday today" Jack conitues. "You were supposed to be 27." <strong>27<strong>, not even half the age Jack is now. Not even half of half his age. Ianto was too young. Too young. He was 26 when he died. That's even younger. That's too young too. "I, um... I brought you some roses. They won't make up for everything but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you and that I..." He trails off. Those three little words. Still so hard to say. He missed his chance, was there any point in saying them now? Weren't they just too little too late? "I'm sorry Ianto." **Ianto.** A name that once made him so happy and provoked desire, now only brought him pain. "I should have gotten you out. I should never have taken you in. I should have gone in alone. I should have known. I should have known. And I am so sorry. Sometimes I think you would have had it better off I'd never hired you. You would still be alive. But then, I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for you. You, Ianto Jones, turned me into a better man. Whether you meant to or not, you did. I'm as good as lost without you. I'm tired all time because I can't sleep. Gwen tried to make coffee, it's alright but it's not the same as yours. And all it does is remind me of you."

_Jack: It's all my fault.  
>Ianto: No, it's not...<br>Jack: Don't speak, save your breath.  
>Ianto: I love you.<br>Jack: Don't. _

"It was my fault Ianto. I know it, you know it. You were just trying to be nice. Comfort me. You were the one that was dying and you were comforting me. You were just too kind for your own good sometimes, Ianto Jones. The world has lost greatly and the hardest part is: they don't even know." Jack's voice broke a little on the last few words. Ianto was dead and almost no one noticed. Almost no one cares. He died saving the world and they don't even know. It didn't feel right. "You died protecting them and they don't even realize it. So many people in that building were trying to get out. Run away, save themsevles. Not you. You stayed and you fought and you died with dignity. You died with me." In his arms, talking to him. Saying he loved him. Letting Jack know it was going to be okay. "I owe you so much and I... I can't do anything about it." He closed his eyes again for a few seconds and drew in a shakey breath. "You confessed you loved me that night too. I already knew. I knew for a while. Did you know? My reply to your confession was '_don't_'. I'm not even sure what I meant by that."

He lied. Of course he knew. Don't love me, this is all my fault. Don't hate me, I would save you if I could. Don't talk, save your breath. Don't close your eyes, I have nowhere to look without them. Don't die, I have nothing if I don't have you. Don't you dare die on me. Don't go somewhere that I can't follow. Don't ask me to say it back, it hurts too much. Don't die, you'll be surronded by darkness and silence. Don't leave me here alone. Don't force me to move on. Jack sighed lightly.  
>"I find myself sometimes, Gwen said if I'm not going to get another job I could at least do the house work, and I find myself wishing you were here. With me. Not just so you could help me or make it entertaining but so that I get to see you again. I miss you, Ianto."<p>

_Jack: Don't, Ianto. Stay with me! Ianto, stay with me, please. Stay with me, stay with me.  
>Ianto: Hey, it was good, yeah?<br>Jack: Yeah.  
>Ianto: Don't forget me.<br>Jack: Never could.  
>Ianto: A thousand years time, you won't remember me.<br>Jack: Yes, I will. I promise I will. _

He was going to keep the promise. No matter what it took. Whether he had to look over a photograph of Ianto everyday to remember what he looked like, or read his file to remember the kind of person he was. Or drink coffee every hour to remember how good Ianto used to make it taste. He wasn't going to forget. He promised.  
>"You asked me if it was good. The time me and you had spent together. I said, 'yeah'. Yeah. It was better than good. It was amazing. Better than amazing. No word in existence describes what we had, Ianto. I promised you that in a thousand years time, I will still remember you. I know, it hasn't been a thousand years yet but, I will keep it. I promised, didn't I? A thousand years. Ten thousand years. A hundard thousand years. Forever. It is a promise I will take with me to the grave." He remembered kissing Ianto goodbye. "Before I died along side you, I kissed you goodbye. I figured, it worked once before right. It had to work this time. But I was too late. I waited to long. I should have kissed you sooner but you needed your breath and you... you were talking and I just didn't think about it until it was too late and I am sorry. I felt you leave Ianto. I'll never forget it. I've held people while they died before... They're all different. They're each unique but once you've felt someone die, you always know. You'll never mistake the feeling again."<p>

Jack let his hand fall on the top of the gravestone. His fingertips brushing over the edges.  
>"Gwen's a police officer again. She's doing well. They were happy to have her back, they said they wanted to promote her. Rhys is doing well too. He's job is going good. Anwen said her first word. Mummy. Gwen was ecsatic. We had a bet going on as to what she would say first. Rhys owes me £10 and he owes Gwen £10 too. There's no need to worry about Ianto, we're doing just fine. It's you I'm worried about. You're in the darkness, surronded by silence. Nothingness and I can't do anything about it. I will join you, as soon as I can... I love you." Jack felt something in his chest loosen. Like not saying those words had been weighing on him forever. He wiped a stray tear from his cheek and composed himself. "Goodbye, Jones Ianto Jones."<br>Then Jack just walked away. His great coat flapping behind him in the gentle breeze. He joined Gwen, Rhys and Anwen in the car and they drove home, Jack was sleeping on their sofa, he didn't want to be alone and they were glad to have him. The ride home was done in silence. When they got back, Rhys took Anwen out of the car and back inside the house. Gwen turned in her seat and looked at Jack, who was gazing out of the window.  
>"Come on, let's go inside" Jack said, getting out.<br>Gwen followed him and as they jumped up the step to the doorway, something round and metal fell out of Jacks pocket. Gwen picked it up for him before he could get down to it. It was Ianto's old stop watch. Gwen handed it back to Jack with a sad smile.


	2. Those Nights

Musical Janto:

**Song – Those Nights.**

**Artist – Skillet.**

**Number - Two**

**Warning – Teen! AU and Implied homophobia. **

**Summery – Ianto comes out about his relationship with Jack to his father and is told that he can never see Jack again. But Ianto had already made plans with Jack and his friends, after a conversation with his sister; Ianto knows what he'll do. **

**Other pairings – Mild Gwen/Rhys and implied Tosh/Owen.**

Ianto slammed the door in a fit of anger. He threw himself on to his bed, laying on his front and burying his face in the crook of his arm to hide his cries. Because he was American, was not a reason. Because he was a guy, wasn't a reason either. The only reason why he and Jack couldn't be together was if they didn't love each other, and they did. They loved each other very much. It was impossible to be with someone for a year and not love them. They didn't need to say it, like other people did. They could felt it, sense it in every touch, every kiss, hug. His dad just didn't understand. He never did. When Ianto was six his dad pushed him too hard on the swing and he fell off, breaking his leg. If his mam was here, things would be different. His mam would accept him, he was sure of it.

Him and Jack had planned to go out tonight. They were meant to go camping on a beach with Toshiko and Owen and Gwen. Rhys to if Gwen asked him. Sometimes Gwen just liked being alone with her friends and that was alright. Rhys didn't go to Torchwood secondary school anyway. He went to some secondary school that Ianto couldn't remember the name of and he had a friend called Banana, Ianto didn't really know much about Rhys, Gwen spoke about him a lot but didn't tell them anything personal and Rhys didn't really talk about himself when he was around either. Ianto's phone started ringing with that ring tone that Ianto knew belonged to only one person. Jack Harkness. Ianto wiped his eyes and fumbled around in his blazer pocket (he was still in his uniform, having of had this argument almost right after coming in from school. It was a Friday and Jack was lucky enough to have a Saturday off work. Living alone Jack had to earn his own money, even though he was very good at making it look like he still lived with his mum.) and answered it.  
>"Hi, Jack, -"Ianto didn't get to finish, Jack's American accent interrupted him rudely.<p>

"Gwen asked Rhys but apparently, he managed to get himself grounded for the weekend. Gwen said that she won't be sharing a tent alone because the last time we made her do that, she couldn't sleep because she was scared. Tosh offered to share a tent with her and Owen refused to have a tent to himself and he refused to let share a tent with Gwen and Tosh wasn't so keen on the idea either –given their history I understand that. I said Owen could share with us but I would have to check with you first, so, what do you say?" Jack asked.  
>Ianto tried to hold in the sob that was threatening to escape. He tried so hard. As soon as he felt it creeping up his throat he tried to swallow it down and he failed. Jack heard it.<br>"Ianto, are you alright?"  
>"No" he replied simply. His welsh accent was thicker than usual in his cries and he couldn't hold it back anymore. He allowed himself to cry. It wasn't as if Jack had heard him sound worse. "I told my dad about us and he – he didn't take it well. He told me that I... I'm not allowed to see you again."<br>Ianto wasn't angry anymore. He was sad. Afraid of what his dad would do if he continued to see Jack but he was even more afraid that he'd never be able to see Jack again.  
>"Oh."<p>

There was a knock at the door.  
>"Listen Jack, I have to go... I'll call you later. I'm sorry." His voice was hushed.<br>He knew his dad wouldn't knock but it was better to be safe than sorry and he couldn't be sure that his sister – if he was right in thinking it was her – would be on his side. His sister, Rhiannon, didn't knock again; she just opened the door and came in. Ianto shoved the phone under his pillow and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. He could feel the phone vibrating under his pillows. They muffled the sound but the vibrations could still be felt. He knew who it was. It was Jack. He knew it. But he wouldn't answer, not at the moment. He knew his sister wanted to say something. Rhiannon closed the door and lent against it, looking at her shoes.  
>"I knew there was something going on between you and Jack" she said softly.<br>"Well, you were right. Owen figured it out before you did though" Ianto replied.  
>Rhiannon came over and sat on the little space that was left beside him on the single bed.<br>"Come on Ianto, give me some credit, I would have figured it out a lot faster if you actually spoke about him. About yourself. Or school. Told me the kinds of things you did together" she began, and then thought about what she said and corrected herself. "Actually, I don't want to know."

Ianto couldn't help but smile at that comment. Most of what him and Jack did was an inappropriate conversation but the smile faded when he realized his phone was vibrating again. Jack, most likely.  
>"I can give you details if you want" he suggested, lightening up again.<br>His sister always managed to calm him down a bit. He chuckled a little as she grimaced at his suggestion. Teasing her was fun and easy. He almost missed her screwed up face in the low lighting. The only light came from his bedside lamp. His curtains were closed and it was getting dark. He didn't turn on his main light often, unless he was looking for something. Which he rarely did because he always knew where everything was.  
>"Most of the time when it was just me and him, we'd go to his place. He doesn't have a lot of money, you know. He lives alone. His mam left him a few months ago, a few days after he turned sixteen. She just packed up her things in the middle of the night and left. No note, no goodbye. She just left. That was the time I stayed over all weekend. He didn't want to be alone. He gets housing benefits; he also collects trolleys for ASDA. She sent him some money last month. No return address though, he'll never figure out where it came from. He thinks she went back to America. I suppose it's possible. He used as little of the electric and gas as possible. He eats microwave meals usually, drinks instant coffee when he doesn't call me up to come over and make some. Like early in the morning or late at night. He hardly sleeps anymore. Whether he tells me or not, I know. He's got no one now."<p>

"He's got you" his sister said quietly.  
>"Me? Yes and dads trying to take me away from him. He lost his dad and brother on the same day too, a few years ago. He's dad was murdered. No one knows what happened to Gray. I'd go and stay over. Make real coffee, cook real food. We'd lie on his bed, watching TV in the dark and talking all night. I started spending nights over there because dad was always getting on at me for coming home late and... To put of arguing about it, I'd just stay at his and we'd either walk to school together next morning or he'd walk me home mid afternoon. Most of the time we'd talk about nothing at all, it was better than talking about all the problems we had going on. His abandonment, dad, exams. We just, forgot about them and stayed up late, talking and watching nonsense on TV. Those nights, they helped keep me alive. The one thing Dad can never take away from me is the memories. As soon as I'm 16 I'm moving out. I'm going to live with Jack. I'm fed up with all this."<br>"Were you planning on going to his tonight?"

"No" he smiled at the memory though. "Me, Jack, Gwen, Tosh and Owen were going camping on a beach."  
>"No Rhys?" She asked.<br>"Got himself grounded... Something to do with Banana, I expect. Those two are always getting each other in trouble" he said the words carelessly. Not even stopping to think about how strange that sounds to someone who has no idea who Banana is.  
>"Banana?"<br>"Long story. We've been camping before. Sometimes just me and Jack but the others usually come along too. We all have our own tents. Jack's mam left their tent behind. It's small. Only a two person tent, Jack never actually went camping but his parents did. They were saving up for a family tent but... Gwen's parents use to take her camping all the time. They have both a family tent and a two person tent, which she uses. Tosh got one from her grandparents. Usually I'd take food and drink and, Owen would bring a stereo that runs on batteries, Jack would start a fire sometimes on cold nights. It was so much fun. We'd listen to music until early hours of the morning. Drinking whatever we could get away with sneaking out the house. It was good to forget. Real good. Get away and be on our own. Jacks house, the beach, it was like our own little safe haven. We'd roast marshmallows and complain about Owens complaining."

Silence took over the room after that. Rhiannon could hear the phone vibrating; only she didn't mention it because she knew Ianto didn't want her to hear it. So, she pretended she couldn't hear it. Then a thought occurred to her. Outside her bedroom window, was a tree. One of its branches was thick enough to walk along, if you had the balance. He could get into the tree, climb down and be out. Sneak off. Go to Jacks anyway.  
>"Only, Gwen doesn't want to be in a tent on her own. Tosh offered to share with her. Owens not happy about it of course. Although I wouldn't be happy if Jack was spending a night in a tent with someone else, either. I'm just glad Owen and Tosh finally admitted how they felt. Took them long enough, they've been dancing around each other for two years."<br>Silence fell again. Rhiannon got up to leave and before opening the door, she turned around to look at Ianto again.  
>"Dad fixed my window. Shame I can't see anything though, there's a big tree in the way... Don't let Dad hold you back Ianto, the nights still young" then she left.<p>

It took Ianto a while to figure out what she was talking about. When he knew what she meant, he wasted no time at all. He emptied his school bag and packed some pyjamas, clothes for the morning, swimsuit (it was a beach after all. Although he knew Jack would try and convince him to go in without a swimsuit on... Or without anything on at all.) Deodorant, sunglass (it might lighten up tomorrow morning, plus, if he drank enough, he'd need anyway), Jack had the double sleeping bag. He zipped the bag up and finally picked up his phone. He had five missed calls. One from Toshiko, one from Gwen and three from Jack. He let out a breath and called Jack back.  
>"Ianto? God, I've been calling you. Gwen called, Tosh called... I was worried!"<br>"Jack, I'm fine. It's alright-"  
>Jack interrupted him again.<br>"Alright? No, it's not. Ianto," Jack exhaled loudly before continuing. "Listen, if you want to break up I understand. It's not to –"  
>"Jack" Ianto almost shouted with frustration. "I'm not breaking up with you. Listen, I'm just about to leave. I can't bring food or drink because I'm sneaking out of my sister bedroom window. I can be at yours in 5 minutes. Have you figured out what beach we're going to this time?"<br>"Caswell" Jack said.

Ianto tried to hold in a laugh.  
>"Caswell? It's rocky. Sure there's sand, but a lot of rock too"<br>"its close and I realized we haven't been there yet" Jack backed up.  
>"Alright, we'll give it a go. I'm not sure we're allowed to just camp there"<br>"Are we really allowed to camp anywhere? We don't really ask" Jack reminded him.  
>"True. I'll see you soon okay"<br>"Okay"  
>"Hey, I love you."<br>"I know. Now, hurry up."


	3. Russian Roulette

Musical Janto:

**Song – Russian Roulette.**

**Artist – Rihanna.**

**Number – Three. **

**Warning – Cyberwoman spoilers! **

**Summery –What was Ianto thinking as Jack aimed the gun at him in the hub and what did Jack think as Ianto turned a gun on the team in the tourist office? (I am no good at summaries.)**

**Other pairings – Ianto/Lisa**

Ianto's POV:

I take in a deep breath and remind myself to keep calm. I'm warm all of a sudden, yet I'm cold at the same time and I'm sweating. The high tense situation has my tempter confused. Hot, cold I'm not sure which. Both? Is that even possible? When he asks if I knew she was down there, I don't even give the question thought. I don't think about how the answer might affect her or how this scene plays out. I just tell him plain and simple that I put her there. I'm scared. Not just for myself and the fact that my life might end right here, right now but for Lisa. Without me alive, they'll kill her and she won't be able to defend herself. There won't be much point living if they take her away. I can feel my heart beating wildly. It's so fast, hitting my chest with great force. Can they see my heart beating? Can they hear it? It's so loud that I suppose they must be able to. Come on Jack, just pull trigger. I don't want to be alive long enough to see you kill her. **Just pull the trigger.**

Jack's POV:

He's gone insane. Insane with love or insane with malice? Both? He defiantly wants to hurt someone; he wouldn't be pointing a gun at us otherwise. He clearly loves Lisa, she killed him but he still wants to save her. Or try, I know for a fact that he won't get very far. There is no reversing the cyber conversation. Although, I'm sure he'll die trying. He already has. The gun is aimed more at me than anyone else. Is he blaming me for this? He did say that I never asked him about his life, neither did the others but I suppose, I ask Gwen about her life all the time. That's only because I know she has one. Owen wouldn't share even I asked, I know Toshiko's story and I just assumed that Ianto didn't have one either, since he was always late going home and early coming in. I just presumed that he didn't have much of a life either. Sure, it was a horrible thing to presume and I should have, I should have asked. I can't believe it came to this for me to realize that Ianto is vulnerable and suffering from pain. He always seemed so normal, so profession and calm. I never guessed that he needed someone. _Everyone needs someone._ I can see his heart beating through his chest. It's beating so much and I'm sure mine is doing the same. I'm scared. Really scared, everyone in this room is, the only difference between me and them is, I can't show it. I'm the leader; if I panic everyone else panics and we all need to think clearly. I'm not backing down. I can't let him go in there. I need him to give in. I need him to apologise and drop the gun. I know he won't. If he does, I'll be surprised. I'm just waiting for him to snap. Waiting for him to fire the gun at someone. Me most likely. I'll only get up again. Just pull the trigger, Ianto. **Pull the trigger. **


	4. Whatever You Do, Don't

Musical Janto:

**Song – Whatever You Do, Don't**

**Artist – Shania Twain.**

**Number – Four. **

**Warning – **_**Italics = Ianto's memories and thoughts. **_**Normal = real time. **

**Summery – Ianto is sure that Jack is making him feel this way on purpose. There's no way Jack can be so hot and expect Ianto to function properly. **

**Other pairings – It's a Janto only fic. **

Who was he kidding? Ianto Jones has a huge crush on his boss. He tells himself he does every day. He can see Jack sitting at his desk, looking over paper work. Ianto knocks on the door but doesn't wait for Jack to tell him to enter. He just goes in and sets the mug of steamy liquid on the desk in front of Jack. Jack looks up and makes a flirtatious comment. Ianto just smiles as he turns his back before Jack has the chance to see him blush. _He's your boss_! Ianto reminds himself. _And a man!_ There was nothing wrong with two men being together, people were allowed to love whoever they liked, it just wasn't for Ianto. His parents would never accept it. His mum, maybe but his dad, no chance. Ianto's never felt like this for a man before why was Jack so different?

_Jack does have a nice smile. When Jack smiles at Ianto he feels his knees give way and his legs turn to jelly beneath him. When Jack's smile is real it's the most beautiful thing Ianto has ever seen and when it's faked, it's the saddest. When Jack forces a smile onto his face Ianto gets a little spark of guilt rising inside him. Jack doesn't trust them enough to tell them how he really feel or he thinks they're better off not knowing. Damn it Jack, you can talk to me. Ianto wants to scream when he sees Captains' fake smile but he doesn't. When the smile is real it makes up for all the guilt and pain caused by the fake on. When a real smile is flashed in Ianto's direction his head starts to rush and he blushes, suggesting coffee so he can get away. _

_When Jack stands next to him Ianto is sure he can feel the heat radiating off of Jack. Maybe it's just his smell. Those 51__st__ century pheromones. That heavenly scent. Sometimes Ianto is sure that he'll melt if Jack stays there for too long. He has to resist shifting uncomfortably as the heat rises. He doesn't want Jack to move away but at the same time he knows it's properly for the best. _

Jack looks over at Ianto from across the conference room table as he eats. _If he looks this way one more time I'm going to lose my mind_, Ianto tells himself as he holds Jack's gaze. Ianto's face doesn't show what is going on inside his head, he won't let it. He can't let anyone know how he really feels, it's inappropriate. Then Jack gives him a faint smile and looks away. Ianto carry's on eating but his mind doesn't settle down. _He has to know_ Ianto says to himself, _there's no way he doesn't. He's doing this on purpose. He's trying to drive me crazy. I'm already halfway there. _

_Ianto can be cleaning up after a long day of work and he'll feel Jack staring at him from his office or the conference room or even only a few feet away and Ianto will stop dead in his tracks. Jack's eyes are powerful, they cause him to lose all train of thought is he catch's Jack's eyes on him. Don't look back! Don't you dare look at him! Don't let him break you! Ianto will throw these orders at himself but it will all be in vain because he always turns and looks at Jack. Those eyes, those beautiful blue orbs keep looking at him. Ianto usually looks away first. Ianto always looks away first. _

Ianto walks into Jacks office at the end of the day and brings him coffee. He puts it down on Jack's desk and Jack thanks him without looking up. Ianto thinks about turning around, leaving it there but he wants to finally do what he's been dreaming about doing since he first met the man but he doesn't have a the courage to do it yet. When Jack looks up he almost forgets what he came in here for. One look from Jack gave him the courage he'd been waiting for. Ianto walks over to Jack's side of the desk, ignoring the questionable gaze Jack is giving him. Ianto bends down and places one hand on the arm of Jacks chair and the other on the back of Jack's head, then he closes the distance and they kiss. Jack responds imminently and positively. Ianto can feel Jack smiling around his lips. It seems almost like Jack knew this was going to happen, like he'd been planning it and Ianto wouldn't have been surprised if that was true_. He's done it_, he thought. _He broke me, made me give in._ Then Ianto smiled into the kiss as well as he added another thought, _this is the one time when giving in was the right thing to do. _


	5. You Don't Have To Say You Love Me

Musical Janto:

Hi guys, sorry this took so long, I'm juggling two jobs and college, I should be dropping one job pretty soon. So, I should be able to update more often. I'm working on the next chapter for Of Criminals and Detectives now, I'll upload is ASAP.

**Song – You Don't Have To Say You Love Me**

**Artist – John Barrowman**

**Number – Five**

**Warning – Feels… Maybe. **

**Summery – Jack's gone and Ianto is left alone with emotions left unvoiced and thoughts left unexpressed. Ianto stands on the flat of his balcony, looking out at the stars and finally voicing his thoughts and emotions.**

**Other pairings – There is mild/suggested/implied Ianto/Lisa.**

"The thing is, Jack, I once told you that I needed you. It wasn't even that long ago, really. Surely you haven't forgotten already. You told me that you'd stay. You said you'd never leave me. You lied. I don't know if you planned to leave all along or not, if you did then why did you tell me you'd stay? Surely you knew that it would hurt when I realized you lied. You know I'm not that strong Jack, not really. If you didn't know you were going to leave, did you even ask to stay? Ask to have a goodbye to the people… person who was going to miss you? Did you think about us at all when you were whisked away? I'd like to think you did but, I'm not so sure anymore. It's been weeks since you left Jack. Gwen still believes you'll come back. Owen doesn't think you will and Tosh doesn't like to talk about it. What do I think? I'm not sure anymore." Ianto gave a sad smile and looked down from the sky to gaze at his hands, clasped together hanging over the railing surrounding his tiny balcony. He had his elbows resting on the railing; he was leaning on them slightly. He was still wearing his suit. The same suit he wore to work that very day. The same suit he wore the day Jack… died? Disappeared? Ran away? Whatever it was that actually happened to Jack. He let out a deep breath, not sure if he should continue with what he was saying. There were still a lot of thoughts in his head, he just didn't know if it was worth voicing them.

"You're gone Jack and now that you've gone I'm pretty much alone. Sure, I still have the others. Tosh, Owen and Gwen and my sister of course, although I can't talk to her about Torchwood. Can I? Besides, am I meant to talk to them? About us? What will they think? What will they say? Jack, you went somewhere, you left me no goodbye, and you didn't leave anyone a goodbye. I don't really have anything left to remember you by. Sometimes I even wonder if what we had… what we did, was real. Did it actually happen or were my dreams and desires so real that, I convinced myself it happened when it didn't. You went somewhere I couldn't follow and now, here I am, on my balcony, looking up at the stars knowing you can't hear me and I'm begging you to come back. To come home. If not for me then at least for Cardiff, Wales, the world. The world we protect, Jack, have you forgotten about that too? Owens a great leader but he's not you. We were better off with you. When you were he and you were in charge. Besides, I'm sure Owen would be up for having sex with me… I'm not sure I'd want to have sex with him, either." The sad smile faded to nothing and the Welshman frowned his brow a little bit as he remembered his old Captain and the way he clearly couldn't wait to leave. "Did you want to leave Jack?" His face softened and almost no emotion at all could be read from it but if you knew Ianto, really knew him, you'd be able to tell that he was sad. Well, he was more than sad. On the verge of tears.

"You left and I never got the chance to tell you how I really feel. The thing is Jack, I - I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone else… Not even-"he paused before her name could come from his lips. Saying her name still hurt him a little. He had loved her. He'd loved her a lot and now, he loved Jack too. Not in the same way but strong enough to know that he would die in Jacks place too, if it was required of him. If Jack had asked him too. It was the love that was so strong, it ached. Even when that person was around and holding you. It was the kind of love that was hard to describe. The love you could only understand once you had felt it. "I don't expect that to mean much to you, Jack and I don't expect you to say it back. I don't ask that you love me back; I only ask that you respect what I feel because I never planned to fall for you. Distract you, yes but actually fall in love, no. How can someone plan that? You can't. I never did ask you to stay forever and I'm not asking you to come back if you don't want to. Not just for me. I would have liked a goodbye. Even if it was only spoken with words. I understand that you don't want to be tied down; I understand that you can't be, too. I don't want to change who you are just so that I'm comfortable and happy. I wouldn't love you if you changed so much that you were someone else. If you can hear me by some miracle then, prove it… At least give me a sign that you're alright. I need to know; don't I deserve that much at least? All I have now are memories of you and me. The things we did. Life without you Jack is just… dead. It feels… unreal. Like it's a fantasy land. A dream that I haven't woken up from yet. How I wish that's true. How I wish to wake up soon and see you lying next to me. Why did you leave? Did you think we wouldn't notice? Think we wouldn't care? You died, Jack, if you needed some time off, some time alone, we would have understood. All we ask is that you tell us when you need to be alone. That's all you have to do. Talk to us, Jack. Why don't you talk to us? If we had problems, you'd want us to talk, you have asked all of us to talk when we were having problems. Why are you problems different? Because they're yours? That's not a reason. Not a good one, anyway."

Ianto blinked in the attempt to get rid of the tears that were filling his eyes and blurring his vision. He looked back up at the stars. So beautiful. They made him feel like Jack was watching him from so kind of far off land. Like he was listening, hearing and like he cared and these feelings made Ianto carry on talking. In his head he knew Jack couldn't hear him but this time his heart managed to get the better of him and made him carry on, almost like he had too. Like there was no other choice.  
>"The thing is, without you, I'm alone. There's nothing left to feel besides loneliness and it doesn't feel very good. I've felt like this before, of course I have only it's never been this intense. It's never been this bad. Ever. How have you managed to do this to me Jack? I would do anything I could to stop loving you but I can't help it, believe me. I tried so hard no to love you and I failed. So, if you managed not to fall in love with me, good for you. Well, goodbye Jack. If you do plan on coming home soon, come back in one peace. Come back safe. Come back alive and try to keep yourself out of trouble. I love you, Jack." Then Ianto left his balcony. He closed the door and dropped onto his sofa. He didn't cry, surprisingly, he didn't feel like crying anymore. He felt like, now he'd gotten all his emotions and thoughts out, he felt like he could move on. That feeling soon left him and he did cry. He cried until he finally feel asleep.<p> 


End file.
